Welcome back to the Pleasure Science Podcast, where we make sexual liberation your new normal by changing how you love and feel loved. Today, I want to talk about digital intimacy.

 

I bet that those are two words you have not thought to put together, and yet you have digital intimacy all the time. I'll also bet that right now you think I'm only talking about sexting or nudes, but digital intimacy comes in many forms. And let me explain by telling you a story.

 

I'll never forget how my view of digital intimacy changed after my mother died. I had a voicemail from her still saved on my phone, but I couldn't listen to it. Anytime I tried, it felt like my whole body was seizing up and swelling with emotions, and I just couldn't handle it. And so I told myself, Nadège, there's no rush. You have this voicemail saved on your phone. You'll listen to it when you are ready.

 

And this thought calmed the pain that I was feeling until my phone was stolen at a Pride parade in San Francisco. It was like she died all over again. And I still think about that voicemail sometimes, wondering what was on it, the last voicemail my mom ever left me before she died. And I share that with you because I want you to really feel how digital intimacy is real and we do it all the time. But what is digital intimacy?

 

Digital intimacy is any way to use technology to connect with other people, both sexually and emotionally. Phone calls, voice notes, texting, nudes, and sexting. Digital intimacy is a part of your everyday life, and the goal of this episode is to remove judgment about it, especially with sexting.

 

And what's so fascinating right now is that we are all treating sexting and nudes the way we treated sex in the 1950s. Back in the day, if you had sex before marriage, people thought, well, you deserved something bad happening to you. And today, we think the same thing about nudes, except we think if you take a nude, you deserve whatever happens to you. And we need to stop thinking like this.

 

The truth is human intimacy is evolving with technology, and this means that sexual intimacy is evolving with technology too. For example, remember in this season's opening episode where I explained how foreplay actually begins the moment you stop having sex? It's not oral or hand jobs or massages. It's way more than that. And if you haven't heard this episode, go back and listen to 6 Lies About Sex that You Probably Think are True.

 

But back to the topic at hand. Digital intimacy is a big part of foreplay. It's the ways you check in with your lover or send them a meme because you're thinking of them. And sex feels better when you feel cherished by your lover. So all your digital intimacy matters, especially the small affections. 

 

But the problem with digital intimacy is we often only think of it as nudes or sexting. And we judge it very harshly, because we immediately start panicking about two specific scenarios when we think of sexting. 

 

Now, the first scenario we often think and associate with sexting is celebrities getting hacked and their nudes being leaked to the public. Suddenly, everybody turns into an animal and we're all desperate to see these nude pictures and we're quick to attack and criticize the celebrity who took it. And what does that say about us? That we, the people, desperately want to see the very thing that we condemn. Sit with that for a second. 

 

And what we never think about is: those nude pictures are private property. And that property was stolen. And it doesn't matter if it's digital property, it is still property. Just the same way that digital intimacy is still intimacy. So there are two violations happening here that we never talk about. The first is robbery, and the second is using sex to attack someone's character. This is one big way we turn digital intimacy into a catastrophe and teach all of us that it's shameful to do it. 

 

Now, the second big bad sexting scenario that we associate with nudes is when teenagers or minors take nudes. And then those nudes get leaked to the entire school or the community, or those videos might end up on a revenge porn website where a jaded ex-lover anonymously uploads a sexy video without anybody's consent.

 

This is an important part of a very complicated topic. Digital intimacy, just like sexual intimacy, can lead to digital rape and violations. But we cannot blame the intimacy for the violation. And what I mean by that is we cannot shame the people who enjoy sexting or taking nudes. We must condemn the person who shares it without permission. And we need to reframe the whole issue as digital intimacy, because when we use that type of language, it reminds us that it's normal for humans to use technology to create intimacy and that we do it all the time. And when we take a normal human behavior like connection and turn it into two extremes, it's either celebrities getting hacked or it's preying on kids, then we're setting everyone up to be the villain or the victim. And we're leaving no room for digital intimacy to be a consensual, beautiful experience. 

 

Remember, you are having digital intimacy all the time. Whether you are in a relationship or not, using a phone is a part of every single one of your relationships. Every day, your phone is a place where you show affection, where you argue, where you spark intimacy. Studies show that 88% of Americans over 18 have sexted before. And yet we treat people like they are a disgrace when they're caught sexting. And we pretend that we don't use our phones for countless daily intimacies with our loved ones. 

 

Another interesting study from Japan found that camera phones actually create something called intimate visual co-presence. And this study found that modern couples often share visual information instead of written or explicit communication. 

 

For example, let's say your girlfriend loves butterflies and you happen to be walking down the street and you see a butterfly cafe. So you send her a picture instead of saying, “Hey, I just found a butterfly cafe.” Technology has changed how we share affection, emotion, and sexual desire, which is why it's important to rethink our judgments and assumptions about nudes.

 

So here is what I want to do with the rest of this episode. Now that we've started reframing how we view digital intimacy, I want to talk about how we can enjoy digital intimacy by being respectful with technology. And I'm going to break this down into several simple steps. 

 

The first step starts with you and your sex positive mindset. Sharing nudes and all other types of digital intimacy are normal. Sex is how adults play and it's normal to want to be intimate with others. And as technology evolves, so do the ways that we connect.

 

Remember, 88% of Americans over the age of 18 have sexted at some point in their lives. So it's ridiculous to judge anybody. And this is step one, really beating into your brain that it is normal and healthy, and it is okay to enjoy digital intimacy in all its forms.

 

Now, step two is knowing that being digitally violated is just as harmful as being physically violated. So I want you to start looking up and knowing your rights. Every country is different and this problem shows up differently in different parts of the world. 

 

For example, in America, if your ex uploads a video of you two having sex to Pornhub without your permission, that is considered revenge porn. And you can take your ex to court and you do have legal rights. 

 

Another example is South Korea, where there's a big problem with something called upskirting. This is when spy cameras are used to go up women's skirts or they're secretly placed in bathrooms and changing rooms to capture footage of women and men undressing.

 

In South Korea, the police are aware of the problem and you do have legal rights. However, reports from women in South Korea overwhelmingly show that women are hesitant to come forward when they find these videos of themselves online. And this is because they fear that the authorities will blame them or what they were wearing.

 

So the bottom line is: it is traumatizing when someone violates your digital intimacy, especially if they did it to hurt you or tarnish your reputation or if they rob you, because sometimes this is digital robbery. It isn't just your ex posting a video online. It could be a stranger filming you without your knowledge or consent. But what does give me hope is that we do have rights, and people are fighting to make those rights better every single day.

 

Which brings me to the next important step when it comes to respecting digital intimacy so we can enjoy digital intimacy. Know who you can rely on for emotional support. Because just like how people use gossip to slut shame sex, people use technology to slut shame sex. And to navigate this complexity, I want to share a personal story of my own.

 

A few years ago, I dated someone who I'll call Herbert. And Herbert was in the BDSM lifestyle, and he boasted about that often. He liked to think of himself as a leader in the community. And before this happened, I thought of him as a leader too.

 

But one night after having sex, he had climaxed on my back and he paused to admire me. And then he admitted he thought I looked really, really beautiful. And he was wondering if it was OK to take a photo of my naked back. And I thought for a moment and I decided, you know, I'm OK with him taking a photo of my butt and my back. My face isn't going to be showing. No one will be able to tell that it's me. And I did like the idea that he'd have this beautiful, sexy memento of our night that felt special to him.

 

So I let him take the picture, I turned my face away, and I just began turning off the sex toys that we were using that we had on the bed. And I heard him snapping the camera behind me, but when I turned around, I saw that Herbert was not taking the photo of me from behind, so that way it could be anonymous. He had gone to a corner of the room, was taking a photo of me in the entire room, and this photo clearly showed who I was. And so I asked to see the pictures, and when he showed them to me, I instantly felt lied to and taken for granted. 

 

You could see my whole body. You could see the profile of my face. But most importantly, I did not look sexy at all. I was belly down on a bed, turning off a vibrator. My face was kind of screwed up because I actually couldn't figure out how to turn the stupid vibrator off. I did not look cute at all and it honestly felt like he was just taking that photo as proof that he had had me naked in his bed. It was not because I looked beautiful and it was not because the moment was special.

 

And I honestly didn't know what to say in that moment. I wanted to cry and I worried that if I spoke up, I'd actually start sobbing. And it just felt so uncomfortable to try to say how I felt in that moment, naked, laying in his bed. So I ended up saying nothing. And the longer I dated Herbert, the more I noticed that he was manipulative and pushed boundaries. And I don't think this was because he was some bad, evil man. I actually think it's because he was deeply insecure. But still, it did not change the fact that that moment with the photo haunted me long after we stopped dating. And it was interesting because I kept thinking to myself, Nadège, you have taken other nudes of yourself, so who cares if this insecure guy has a shitty nude of you somewhere?

 

But I did care. And the reason why I cared was because he manipulated my consent for it. He asked for one thing and he took another. And by the time we broke up, I did not trust him at all. So even if I asked him to delete the photo, I wouldn't have believed that he did. And what got me through this really haunting experience was my friends and my community. It was being able to share this story, a very imperfect story with two imperfect people, and not be judged for it. And then I was able to hear my friends share their stories of digital violation, which made me feel relieved and seen and lovable.

 

And I just want to let everybody listening know, if someone has a photo or a video of you and you wish they didn't, I see you, I love you, and I want you to know that that does not define you. If other people want to use your sexuality against you, the best revenge is your happiness, your health, and your pleasure. Make a beeline for your loving, nonjudgmental friends and focus on living your best life.

 

And this leads me to my final piece of advice for navigating digital intimacy with respect. It is not your fault if you are the victim of a digital violation.

 

Think about it like this. If you parked your car on the street and someone stole your car, would you blame yourself? No, that would be ridiculous. So why would you blame yourself when someone steals your nudes?

 

It is not your fault if you take nudes and someone hacks your phone. It is not your fault if you and your lover make a sexy movie together and when you break up, your ex decides to post it online without telling you.

 

Digital intimacy feels good in the moment. It's why we like to do it, and it's why 88% of people have tried it. And it's not your fault if someone violates you or robs you of your digital property. And it is not your fault that people have learned over thousands of years that sex is a powerful weapon that can be used against you. But just because sex has been weaponized does not mean that the answer is to shrink, to silence your sexuality, to turn off your urges, especially the urge to use a camera and capture the beauty and glory that is your body and sexuality.

 

Which brings me to a piece of sex positive science you need to know. Studies show that seeing nude photos of yourself boosts your self-esteem. Countless sexologists have done research on this, that it is affirming and empowering to see yourself naked and joyful. And if you choose to get behind the camera and take the photo yourself, that is even more empowering.

 

Sexy selfies are healthy, and when you get behind the camera, you regain control. So taking photos of your body can be extremely healing and empowering. It can also keep the spark alive in a relationship, and it's one of the reasons why long-distance relationships can work, because we now have the ability to enjoy cyber sex and video sex, even if your lover is halfway around the world.

 

Sexy selfies and videos can also be love letters to yourself and others. To give you an example of this, I'm going to share one more story from my personal life. Last year, I dated a very handsome, kinky man who, fun fact, looked like Spider-Man, so I'm going to call him Peter.

 

Peter is what is called a rope rigger. He can tie you up with rope in a seductive form of bondage, and he can even hang you from the ceiling. So as you can imagine, dating him was tons of fun. ah But the best part was how he approached digital intimacy.

 

It's super common for kink rope riggers to take photos of their work. And Peter told me on our first date that he was no exception. He took pride in how beautifully he could tie a woman up. And he also wanted to respect his lovers. So he came up with this rule. If me and him ever played together, then he would only take photos of me on my cell phone. And that way I would have full control over what pictures I sent to him and what pictures I shared at all. And I loved this boundary. It instantly made me feel safe. And so the first time we played, he stuck true to his word, using only my phone to take photos. And after we finished, we sat together and looked through the pictures. It was so empowering. I got to see myself through his eyes and I was lost in pleasure. I was radiant. I was happy. I had never seen that side of myself.

 

And even when I've taken my own sexy selfies, it was a completely different thing to see myself through my lover's eyes. And in that moment, I unlocked a new level of self-love and empowerment. I was so grateful to Peter and this new boundary. And hey, here is another idea for a boundary. If you and your lover break up, go through each other's phones and decide together what you keep and what you delete.

 

So as we think on digital intimacy, we need to remember that it is okay to enjoy it. It's empowering to see the most turned on version of yourself, and it's a normal part of human evolution.

 

Emails replaced letters, texts replaced emails, and memes have replaced texting. This is the world now, and you have to put the same amount of effort and integrity into your digital intimacy as you do with your face-to-face intimacy.

 

That is it for this week's episode of Pleasure Science. Please join us next week when we will be talking with Kenya K. Stevens, a woman who makes your relationship divorce-proof by teaching you indigenous communication practices.

 

I have seen Kenya in action and her work has blown my mind. I cannot wait for you to gain her wisdom and hear about her love story with her two husbands. Yes, plural. Kenya is married to two beautiful men and thriving. So join us next week to hear all of her incredible insights about communication and making love last for life.

 

In the meantime, you can follow me on Instagram and TikTok @PleasureScience. And if this episode taught you something new or made you feel more empowered, subscribe, leave a review, or comment on this episode and let me know.

 

Now more than ever, it's important to support sex education. And I know you believe in the mission of this podcast, making sexual liberation your new normal in a world that profits off of all of our shame. So please take a moment to leave a comment, a rating, or a review. 

 

You can also watch these episodes on the Pleasure Science YouTube channel. And if you aren't already, come hang out with me on YouTube, because you also get to see behind the scenes videos of my life as a sex scholar, like the time I taught sex therapy at the Porn Awards. 

 

And finally, if this episode resonated with you, then the next step on your journey of sexual empowerment is voicing your desires. Talking about sex protects what you love most. And when you know how to ask for what you want and how to share boundaries without offending your lover, intimacy stops feeling like guesswork and starts feeling natural.

 

Voice Your Desires is my guided video journey that has helped thousands of people talk about sex without causing tension or miscommunications. Start voicing your desires right now by clicking the link in the show notes or by going to pleasurescience.com and clicking on Voice Your Desires. And remember to use the code pleasuresciencepod at checkout to get 10% off. 

 

Thank you so much for joining us this week. And before we go, just a quick reminder for you to experience pleasure in the next 24 hours, whether it's hugging an animal, eating your favorite food, or masturbating in the shower. I'll see you next week.

 

This podcast is a Pleasure Science production hosted by me, Nadège, your resident sex scholar. The Pleasure Science podcast is produced by Laura Moore and edited by Camille Furman-Collot. Our music is by Octasound and is licensed under the Pixabay content license. To find out more about pleasure science and to sign up for our online courses, please visit www.pleasurescience.com.