Welcome back, baby! It is season two of Pleasure Science, a podcast that makes sexual liberation your new normal by changing how you love and feel loved.

 

And we have some truly fantastic episodes and guests lined up for you this season. So if you're just joining us, welcome, cutie. I'm so happy and honored that you're here, and I want you to go back and binge season one because we got people talking about the pleasure science that they learned. And our guests were unforgettable, like Dr. Tara, the tenured sex professor, who shows us how talking about sex is actually a spiritual practice.

 

Or you could listen to Midori, the famous BDSM icon, who explained how she uses kink, as shadow work. We've also spent our hiatus reading all your comments and reviews. Shout out to one of our listeners who said, “Where was this valuable insight when I was growing up?”

 

Where indeed? I can so relate to that feeling. And honestly, I am moved every time I read every one of your guys' words. I love hearing from you. And I know that all of you who listened last season learned something that improved your life and made you feel more powerful. Please let me know what you learned when you leave the Pleasure Science Podcast a review or when you comment on YouTube.

 

And don't forget, when you support the Pleasure Science Pod, or podcasts like ours, you're changing the world. Sex education is fragile and your support is proof that this work matters to you and the world. So thank you so much for taking a moment to say hi and tell me what you've learned so far. 

 

Now this year, season two of the Pleasure Science Podcast has a theme. And this theme is so close to my heart, it feels like the beat of my heart. And that theme is reaching your potential. How do you become the person you wish you were? And the thing is, you already know who this version of yourself is. It's the version of you that's more confident, the one that stands a little taller, and that always looks well-dressed, even on the worst of days. It's the version of you that you fantasize about.

 

And here's the thing. Maybe you feel like you're only a few steps away from this version of yourself and that you become more and more closer to that 2.0 you every single day.

 

Or maybe you feel like you're light years away from this version of yourself, like it's almost impossible to imagine being who you are now and transforming into that fantasy of who you want to be. 

 

Well, our theme this season is all about self-improvement. Because sex usually gets left out of conversations about your potential, your goals, and the life you want to make for yourself, which is its own kind of trauma that leaves you feeling hopeless and confused.

 

So basically, this season, we're talking about healing these hoes. 

 

Now, before you start to heal, you have to know what to heal. So let me start this season with a truth bomb. Most of what you think you know about sex is a lie. And this is why sex blocks happen, but this is also why love stops working. And since this season is all about showing you how to be the person you want to be in love and in sex, we need to kick things off by addressing these lies.

 

So let's jump in to lie number one. Doctors know if you are a virgin or not. This is a bold faced lie, people.

 

No doctor on earth can tell if you are a virgin, but myths about the hymen have made a lot of people fear a trip to the doctor. And I know this personally because I get the privilege of traveling all over the world and speaking to people just like you. And too many of us still think that the hymen will show if someone is a virgin. This is a lie and let's break it down. 

 

So the hymen is a membranous tissue and it surrounds the vaginal opening. And since obviously everybody listening went to medical school and knows exactly what that means, let me give you a more helpful metaphor. It's really helpful to imagine the hymen as the vulva's curtain.

 

And here's a photo that really helps illustrate this. Notice how, like a curtain, the hymen doesn't cover or block anything. This curtain of tissue comes in all shapes and sizes, and you can also see in this photo how some people's hymens are almost non-existent. So there is truly no standard for how a hymen can look. 

 

And if you're listening to this and not watching on YouTube, don't worry. The link for the photo that I'm referring to is in the show notes. But I also recommend you come and hang out with me on YouTube. Join the sexy party so you can see exactly what I mean by how different each hymen can look. 

 

Now, it's normal for hymens to stretch or tear during physical activities like swimming, horseback riding, or riding a bicycle. But this myth that the hymen looks like some sort of plastic wrap that breaks from penetration and leaves this big, obvious sex clue behind is a lie.

 

Hymens don't even break. This means it's impossible for anyone but you to know your sexual history. You are the expert of your body, and anyone who tries to make you feel otherwise has something to gain from your insecurity or from your ignorance.

 

Now, before I move on, I want to answer some common questions I get about the hymen. So you might be wondering, well, what if my first time having sex did hurt me or it did make me bleed? First off, you aren't alone. Having sex the first time made me bleed and it did hurt. So yes, there can be blood and discomfort when the hymen stretches or tears, and this can happen during sex.

 

However, what is a myth is that it's guaranteed to hurt every single person and make every single person with a vulva bleed. This is not true, and fun fact, we can actually trace this particular sex myth back to ancient Greece, specifically the fifth century.

 

This is when Christianity was on the rise, and sexuality and pleasure were seen as threatening. As a result, Hymen, the Greek god of marriage, became way more popular.

 

And yes, Hymen was the name of a Greek god. I bet you didn't know that. 

 

Well, the god Hymen became way more popular at this time because his symbolism of marriage fit very neatly into the Christian agenda, leading to myths about virginity and sex being spread throughout the land as a way to protect marriage and Christianity against Greece's sex-positive and hedonistic past.

 

Now, to answer your question about bleeding the first time you have sex, here is what you need to know. The hymen might stretch and bleed the first time you have sex, but sex should not hurt overall. If it does, or you experience bleeding every time you have sex, see a pelvic floor therapist. These are doctors who specialize in the muscles and functions of your vulva, your penis, and the entire pelvic area. I honestly wish I had learned that when I was younger. And later on in this season, I'm going to be sharing more about my journey with pelvic pain and painful sex. So stay tuned for that episode. 

 

Now, another common question I get is, what if my hymen stretches while I'm playing a sport or an activity? Will I know and will it hurt?

 

First off, it's actually very unlikely that you will feel it. We can notice when the hymen stretches during sex, but this is mainly because we're really focused on the genitals when we're having sex, especially if it's the first time.

 

But if you're riding a bike and your hymen tears slightly, it's very unlikely that you will feel it or notice it. All it might look like is period spotting. So don't let this myth hold you back from having fun.

 

Another question I get is, how do I make sure sex doesn't hurt the first time? And the answer to this is quite simple. I want you to take things twice as slow as you think you need to during sex. Savor foreplay, enjoy massage, enjoy kissing, and just take everything twice as slow. When the vulva is ready for penetration, it will literally suck a penis or dildo inside. So there's no need to push or apply pressure. And this isn't just true for the vulva. This is also true for the booty and this is true for the throat during oral sex.

 

So if you want to make sure sex doesn't hurt the first time, or any time, I want you to tease and play and go twice as slow as you think you need until the body is literally sucking you inside. And if the body doesn't suck a penis, a dildo, or a finger inside, then that is a clue that it's time to save penetration for another day and keep enjoying your bodies without the pressure to make sex look like any type of way.

 

All right, we just busted a big lie and we are just getting started. 

 

Lie number two is if you don't use it, you lose it. This is not true.

 

Your penis and vulva are made of muscles and your skin is made of regenerative tissue. So even if you take a hiatus from sex or your body changes, you can always return to sex and guide your body back to pleasure.

 

And to really drive this home, I want to share a couple of stories. And the first story I'm going to share with you, I have generously been given permission to share. 

 

So this story is about a woman I worked with. She had just turned 70 when we started working together, and she hadn't had sex in over a decade. Let's call her Betty. Betty wanted to explore sex and date again, but she felt insecure about one big thing. When she tried to self-pleasure by sticking a finger inside of herself, her vulva would micro-tear. So how could she date men if she couldn't even get fingered?

 

She called me feeling so discouraged, telling me that she ruined her chances and that, quote, I didn't use it and now I've lost it. And she just kept saying that over and over again.

 

So after our first session, I consulted with a few of my very trusted doctor friends, and I returned to our next session with great news for Betty. Sensitive skin can be repaired with simple exercises and repetitive massage.

 

So I showed Betty how to do vulva massages, and we found specific lubes and moisturizers that are made for women who have gone through menopause. She even got a crystal sex wand made of rose quartz for self-love.

 

I helped her identify her new sexual preferences, since penetration was now low on her list. And then we worked on how to discuss her new sexual preferences with confidence. Because it is scary to tell men that penetration is not your favorite thing on the menu. It feels like they're getting a gift taken away from them, even though it's the opposite. You're unlocking a whole new menu of pleasure and exploration.

 

Well, Betty did her self-massages and her exercises, and she started dating again for the first time in 10 years. She's been enjoying all types of sex, and yes, she has been able to work back up to penetration.

 

Now, I have one more story to share, again, generously with this person's permission. And this is about another client who struggled with performance anxiety. Let's call him Devin. 

 

Devin went through a terrible breakup. His libido dropped and he didn't have sex for a few years. Even masturbation was rare for him. And when he started dating again, he experienced erectile dysfunction and he beat himself up for it. He told me he stopped using it and now he'd lost it. Well, I was not convinced.

 

So we started working through everything in his life that made him shut down because I had a hypothesis. Here is a healthy man in his mid-30s, and if his penis was shutting down, it was because his mind had shut down first.

 

So we started exploring what happened with his ex. And he realized that he thought being a good boyfriend meant providing for his girlfriend because he grew up with a single mom. And his girlfriend shared this value. She also believed that men should provide for their families. 

 

But something interesting happened. After years of being together, Devin's girlfriend started to resent him for the very value that brought them together in the first place. Since Devin provided for her, she stopped having the motivation to find a career or passion of her own. And by the time the relationship ended, Devin felt relieved and guilty since he wanted to leave her. He felt like he must have been to blame for the relationship not working and for the fact that the relationship ended. He soaked up all that pressure and failure and shame. And Devin couldn't even imagine dating anytime soon after this breakup. And having sex was also hard. Anytime he had sex or masturbated, it just reminded him of everything he had lost. So no wonder his body was shutting down when he felt turned on. It was a form of self-protection. 

 

So we worked through the reasons Devin was shutting down, which took true commitment from Devin and daily action steps to stop internalizing the past. But after that conscious, consistent effort, Devin started having regular erections again. And this was not because he took Viagra. It was not because he was having more sex. It was not because he was watching a bunch of porn. It was because he released the pressure that was trapped inside of him. Pun intended. 

 

But all jokes aside, nothing permanent will happen to your penis, your vagina, or other reproductive organs if you take a break from sex. The use it or lose it idea is a dangerous lie because it robs you of your power to take action and create change and trust in the miracle that is your body.

 

Which brings me to lie number three. We want to have sex because we want to reproduce and make babies. Yep, this is a lie, people.

 

But if you were like me, you were taught that sex is a reproductive behavior, that deep down, all humans want babies. And I mean, forget the six-pack hotties and forget how amazing boobs are. It's all about the children. That's why we want sex so bad.

 

Well, the truth is sex is not a reproductive behavior. It's actually a social behavior. We have sex because we want to be sexually social with other people. And examples of other social behaviors are things like talking, eating, playing games in the backyard, pretty much any social experience that happens between two or more people.

 

And you learn social behaviors just like how you learn to eat with your family at a dinner table; by observing others and talking to others. 

 

So here's the big issue with this lie. If you are told that sex is a purely reproductive behavior between a man and a woman, and you fall outside of this very rigid definition of sex in any way, for example, maybe you have a high sex drive or maybe you're queer or both, you will police yourself and shame yourself until you block the pleasure and love your brain needs to survive.

 

Turning sex into a reproductive behavior turns sex into a black or white, right or wrong situation, where the right kind of sex is about marriage and children and heterosexuality, and the wrong kind of sex is hedonistic and about pleasure and queer and not bound by any specific relationship style. 

 

So I want you right now to take a moment to think about how you are as a social person. Are you shy or extroverted? Do you like having lots of people around? Or are you a small group of close friends type of person? Or do you prefer one-on-one time? Your social needs show you things about your sexual needs that your romantic relationships never will. This is because we are all told how to behave in romantic relationships. We didn't choose monogamy. We were told it's the only option. And once in monogamy, you know the role you're meant to play.

 

But with your friends and your social life, you're allowed a little more freedom. And in order to heal this lie, I want you to ask yourself, how am I sexually social? And what do I want from my sexual social life? 

 

And now on to lie number four. And this one always blows people's minds and it's one of my favorites to talk about. Lie number four is that all asexual people are asexual because they have no sex drive and they hate sex. Well, this is false with a capital F.

 

In fact, research shows that asexual people can have quite high sex drives. Now, in order to understand what sounds like a total oxymoron, you need to understand the difference between sex drive and sexual orientation.

 

These are two different things, but we often confuse them with each other. Sexual orientation tells you who a person is attracted to. For example, a lesbian is a lesbian because she is attracted to women. A straight man is a straight man because he is also attracted to women.

 

Now an ace or asexual person typically doesn't experience sexual attraction towards another person. Notice this has nothing to do with libido. It is only telling us who a person is attracted to.

 

Now, if we're thinking of asexuality, it's also important to know that asexuality is a spectrum. Some people don't desire sex with a specific person, while other asexual people will have sex sometimes, but they don't necessarily need it. Other asexual people only feel attraction after a friendship is formed. And that's called demisexuality. And fun fact, I'm demisexual. I feel desire for a specific person only after a friendship is formed. 

 

So that's a little crash course in sexual orientation, who someone is attracted to. Meanwhile, your sex drive or libido refers to your body's sexual urges, not the people you are attracted to, which is why some asexual people have a high sex drive. Some asexual people masturbate and even explore casual sex for the experience. Meanwhile, other asexual people don't explore sex at all. And just because someone is asexual doesn't mean they have no sex drive.

 

And even more important, lots of asexual people enjoy dating and are happily married. So we need to be really careful with our language because I constantly hear people say things like, oh, I'm feeling asexual or, ugh, that medication makes me so asexual. And we say these things to describe a negative experience of low libido. 

 

Remember, our society loves to use sex against us in many ways. And we all know what happens when you have too much sex. You're called a slut or a fuck boy. But society is just as mean and one-dimensional with people who aren't prioritizing sex, which is silly because being asexual is one of the things I love most about myself.

 

Now we're moving on to lie number five. The clitoris is not the tiny little button you love to lick. It's way bigger than that baby.

 

The average clitoris is four inches long and it gets an erection just like a penis. And hey, another pitch to join the YouTube party. I'm currently showing you what a four inch clit looks like.

 

Now here's another fun fact. The G-spot is the root of the clitoris. This means that G-spot orgasms are actually clit orgasms.

 

And last but not least, let's dive into lie number six. The definition of foreplay that you probably have is wrong.

 

Foreplay is not only the spicy things you do with your hands and mouth. Foreplay begins the moment you stop having sex. Let me explain.

 

Foreplay is how we build sexual tension in a good way. It's how we talk to each other. It's the good morning text that makes you smile, or surprising your crush with flowers, or kissing your lover's neck.

 

Foreplay is the erotic energy that we build and sex is how we release it. So foreplay is any way that you show affection, care, and flirt. Sometimes foreplay even looks like chore play, where you're doing the dishes or taking out the trash to help your lover around the house. Studies show that a clean environment not only boosts libido, it also boosts trust. It makes us feel less stressed, and it makes us feel more cared for. And again, it shows your lover that you see them. So remember, foreplay is expansive, and foreplay begins the moment you stop having sex.

 

That is it for this week's episode of Pleasure Science. Please join us next week when we will be talking with our first incredible guest, Lotus Lain, a porn star and activist turned intimacy coordinator. And we're going to be explaining the science behind how porn is actually good for you. Yes, you heard me correctly. And we're going to be talking about something called whore phobia. This is also something you experience every single day and it's shaping the way that you think about your body and sex and you didn't even realize it. So I know I will be seeing you in next week's episode because it will blow your cute little mind.

 

In the meantime, please say hi and follow me on Instagram and TikTok at Pleasure Science. I love hearing from you. And if this episode made your heart or your hips move a little bit, subscribe and leave a review so we can keep giving you what you love.

 

And you can always watch these episodes on the Pleasure Science YouTube channel. And I know you want to because I literally showed you a four-inch clitoris just a moment ago.

 

And speaking of the clitoris, the most common questions I get asked as a sex scholar are the how-to questions. How do I give the best blowjob of my life? How do I eat pussy so good it leaves them begging for more? What are the best anal tips, me and my lover want to try? I have the answers to all of these questions, and I can teach you how to master these skills in 30 days.

 

It's all in the Touch and Trust Method, a guided video journey that I made for anyone who didn't or doesn't have a safe place to learn about sex.

 

You will learn how to read your lover's body like a map and how to de-shame your brain so you can show up to sex feeling fully present, proud, and truly yourself.

 

It's a win-win that has already helped thousands of people, and listeners of this podcast get 10% off using the code PLEASURESCIENCEPOD. Begin now by clicking the link in our show notes or by going to pleasurescience.com and clicking on the Touch and Trust method.

 

Thank you so much for joining me this week. And before we go, I want you to think of one thing you have been craving to do, a little or big pleasure that you have been putting off, and I dare you to go do that thing.

 

In fact, I challenge you to go experience that pleasure in the next 24 hours. It is good for your brain. It is good for your body. And I'll see you next week. Farewell for now.

 

This podcast is a Pleasure Science production, hosted by me, Nadège, your resident sex scholar. The Pleasure Science podcast is produced by Laura Moore and edited by Camille Furman Collot.

 

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Our music is by Octasound and is licensed under the Pixabay Content License. To find out more about pleasure science and to sign up for our online courses, please visit www.pleasurescience.com.