Hey everybody, welcome back to Pleasure Science, a podcast that makes sexual liberation your new normal by changing how you love and feel loved. Today, I want to talk about an ugly three-letter word, a word that no one wants to be called, and that word is old.

 

Old feels more like a death sentence than an adjective. The second you're called old, it's like someone is saying the fun parts of your life are over and you're nearing the finish line. But what is old? How do you define it? 

 

I don't think I'm old, but believe it or not, I've been called old. I once dated a man who was 10 years younger than me, and I got to know him as a friend, and he was someone super thoughtful. He would make me laugh. And the night that we kissed, it just felt right, and so we started seeing each other. 

 

And then one night after having sex, he called me his old woman. And the phrase shocked me. And I knew he didn't mean it as an insult, and I knew he was proud to be with me, but the word ripped through me like a bullet cased in fear. And I was just like, this man is calling me old when I feel young. 

 

But from his perspective, I was older, and he liked that. And I still remember his face when he called me his older woman. It excited him. And it turned out he wouldn't be the last guy to call me old. Just last year, I was on a first date with a man that I met on a dating app. And I could see his age because we were on a dating app, right? It shows you that stuff. So I knew this guy was only a few years younger than me.

 

But at the end of our date, he winked and he said, you know, I love older women. And again, I felt really confused as this dreaded word washed over me because I'm here thinking, I feel young and you are just barely younger than me. So why are these men calling me old. And it always catches me off guard, especially because I've dated people older than me and I never saw them as old. 

 

For example, I dated a woman who was 22 years older than me, to be exact. She was a dominatrix and she showed me the ropes, literally. And then years after that, I met a man who was, again, 20 years older than me. And he was kinky and eccentric and he adored me. But I never thought to call either of these lovers old, even though they were older than me by a few decades.

 

And so having been on both sides of this age gap spectrum, I've come to realize that the most important part of your connection isn't age. It's that everyone is a consenting adult and that everyone has the emotional maturity to consent.

 

Age is just a number, so let's name it. Today, I'm 35 and I feel young. And in a few years, I'll be 40. And just a couple of years ago, I was in my twenties. 

 

Age isn't an ugly secret, so name it. There is power in naming your age with confidence in a society that wants you to feel old by the time you're 29. And right now, I'm not just reminding you that age is a harmless number. What I'm also going to talk about today is how the word old has become a bad word and what we can do about that.

 

Now, in order to dive into this topic, I need to define what old means, at least for the purposes of this episode. And so that means I need to give a number as a framework for this discussion, and I'm going to do that. So from here on out, when I say old in this episode, the age that I'm referring to is anyone who is 55 years or older. And I want to be clear, when I say people 55 years and above are quote unquote old, I do not mean this as a bad thing.

 

In fact, as I was planning out this episode, I was really hesitant to put a number on the word old at all, because I was worried that my friends who are 55 and older would feel resentful, like I'm calling them outdated or boring, which they are not. My friends are sexy and intelligent and fabulous, but back to my point.

 

I was afraid to attach a number to the word old because the word old still feels like a slur. And even if you have the best intentions. But then my wonderful producer made me realize that this stigma is exactly what I want to heal and talk about in this episode. So let me be clear. If you are listening to this and you are 55 years or older, I not only think that you are wise, I think that you are fun and exciting and magnetic and sexy and the best years of your life are up ahead and the world is your oyster.

 

And yet, somehow, the word old has come to mean the opposite. An unavoidable milestone that marks the beginning of the end. Especially for women, and especially for sex. 

 

And here is why we think this way. Remember last season, in episode 11, when I explained about the relationship escalator? How we are all taught that a successful relationship goes up like an escalator and you're supposed to get off at all the same floors. For example, let's pretend we have a couple named Fatima and Jeremy who start dating. And so they get on the relationship escalator and in six months they get off at level one, moving in together.

 

Then Jeremy and Fatima get back on the escalator until level two. They're engaged. And you get the idea. The escalator goes up. And each time you get off at a level appropriate for a successful blooming relationship.

 

Well, the word old has its own escalator and it's defined by decades of life. And you've been tricked into believing that your coming of age story must look a certain way. And we use each decade of life to define that transition from young to old. And this is how we age ourselves. 

 

In your teens, you're immortal, you're arrogant, you're insecure. But one thing is for sure, you feel alive. Then in your 20s, you're fresh and aware, but this is a time that's also filled with heartbreak and letdowns, and you feel like you really should know more than you do. Then come your 30s, where you have knowledge and grit, and you're trying to figure out how to handle the stress and fatigue of your life, and so health and wellness become just as important as money and career and relationships. Then you get into your 40s. And this is a time when many people feel younger than they look but struggle to feel seen, especially when you find out that society is already trying to age you out of pop culture. In your 50s, you're thriving, or at least my friends are. But the subtle and not so subtle messages from society get louder. And then you hit your 60s, and the government makes it official. You're a senior citizen on paper, but in your heart, you're still that kid who can laugh a little too loud with all your favorite people. 

 

Youth is a feeling, and age is a tracking system manipulated by society. It's society that tells you what it means to be old and have a respectable lifestyle. No more wild nights and certainly no slutty adventures. And the clothing you wear should not be revealing or trendy or provocative. I mean, God forbid. In fact, forget that you have a sexuality at all because this will make everyone else more uncomfortable around you.

 

Just like the relationship escalator, we have a sinister way of tracking what it means to be young versus old. But the fact is, being young is a feeling. And the older you get, the more freedom you have to explore life. As you age, you learn what you like, you care less about what other people think, and you live life your own way. You usually have more money or more time or both. So you can travel or take up that hobby you've always wanted to learn.

 

The older you get, the more freedom you have. Being old is literally the best time to be alive. And yet, everyone, no matter your age or your gender, everyone fears being seen as old and what this means for your sex life.

 

So now that I've called out this sinister lie about old being something we are supposed to fear and feel shame about, let's break down the big worries you have about aging, particularly when it comes to sex. And I'm going to start with the big worries that many women have when it comes to aging and sex. But don't you worry. I'm going to be going through all other genders and we're going to really be tackling some big fears that I see so you can all start healing and feeling better.

 

But for the ladies, let's start with the big fear number one. Your sex drive is changing and libido is going down. This is probably the most common worry that I see women have about aging. You worry that your desire is going to dry up like the Sahara Desert the minute you hit menopause. But here's the truth. Your libido doesn't disappear. It evolves.

 

Yes, hormone levels shift, estrogen and testosterone decline during perimenopause and menopause, and this can affect desire. But it doesn't mean you stop wanting sex. It means that your turn-ons and your sexual needs now have a new recipe. And for some women, that recipe means I need a little bit more time or I need more intimacy or I need more slowness. But for others, it means I need more directness and more kink and more fantasy.

 

It's not about less desire. It's about new desire. And according to a recent study, many women report continued and even improved sexual satisfaction after menopause, especially when they felt emotionally and physically supported by their lover. So instead of dreading menopause, start looking up stories of real women enjoying their life, and realize that after menopause, you get pussy 2.0. You don't lose your sexuality. You get an upgraded version. 

 

The second big fear that women have is how your vagina changes and basically how we're kind of treated like after menopause or after a certain age, our vagina is just broken. And yes, your skin tissue will get thinner. The lubrication will change and your pelvic floor may need a little TLC. But this is not something to be ashamed of, okay? It's something to work with. 

 

First off, lube is your best friend. We should all be using it. And pelvic floor physical therapy can be life-changing. I actually already do pelvic floor physical therapy, okay? And there's vaginal estrogen for those who want it, which can also restore elasticity and comfort without affecting breast cancer risk.

 

Menopause doesn't end your sex life. It gives you a new map to explore with. And it gives you an opportunity to be working with your body in new ways because the truth is you do need to put in the work to keep up and maintain your body. And that's a beautiful part of life.

 

And now let's talk about something that's harder to name, but is a really big fear a lot of women have. This is fear number three, the fear of being undesirable.

 

This is a grief that many women hold in silence. That the moment you stop being young and hot, you just become invisible. But let me be honest with you. You are not invisible. You are a lighthouse, a beacon, a whole damn force. And the people who only value youth were never your people to begin with. And in fact, they are playing themselves, because I don't know if they haven't got the memo yet, but they're also going to get older. So we really need to remind ourselves, desirability is not just a look. It's a presence, and your presence becomes more potent with age. 

 

Now, let's shift gears. I want to talk about the number one fear that men face with aging. According to the research, the biggest fear men have is not being able to get it up. This is the big one. And in a culture where erections are treated as the ultimate proof of masculinity, losing an erection or not getting one at all feels devastating.

 

But here's the truth. Erectile changes are a natural part of aging. According to the Massachusetts Male Aging Study, about 52% of men experience some degree of erectile dysfunction between the ages of 40 and 70. And that number increases with age, and it's completely normal. But normal doesn't mean easy. There's a deep shame around this because so much of masculinity is tied to performance and sexual performance specifically.

 

And that's why I want to name something else. Andropause. Yes, it's real. As testosterone declines slowly over the years, men may experience fatigue, mood swings, and changes in libido or erection quality. This is referred to as the male menopause, but it's not talked about nearly as much because men are just supposed to power through. But power, real power, looks like asking for help when something is off. It looks like slowing down, tuning in, and discovering new ways to experience pleasure. 

 

Now, let's talk about the third group that often gets left out of this conversation altogether. Queer and trans people. A big fear is how aging as a queer person can be isolating. So many queer spaces center youth. The clubs, the dating apps, the pride floats. They're often filled with 20-somethings, glowing and shirtless and euphoric, and I love that for them. But where are the dance parties for everybody else? The flirty 50 somethings or the salt and pepper butch dykes or the queer elders who want to throw some ass.

 

During my archival project on queer history, I interviewed queer and trans elders who said that one of the biggest things that they missed was dancing and flirting and going out. But they intentionally stopped going to queer parties because they didn't feel welcome or they felt invisible.

 

They told me that they wished that there were more spaces where they could dance, flirt, feel free without feeling like the oldest person in the room. Which again, if you are the oldest person in the room, that's not a bad thing. And I've got good news. There are queer spaces that celebrate all age groups. Groups like SAGE, Open House, and the LGBTQ Elders Meetups are all creating intergenerational dance parties and storytelling saloons and even speed dating events for queer folks over 50.

 

I even know of a lesbian dance party in Los Angeles specifically for women over 40, and I know of a queer and kinky retreat on the East Coast that is also very intergenerational. So the community is out there and they want to meet you.

 

But what about trans and non-binary fears around aging? One big fear I see is that aging and dating feels like an overwhelming combo. Many trans and non-binary people report feeling invisible in dating spaces even before they feel like they start getting into older age groups. And then in older age groups, there's way less education, which often means even less empathy from people who aren't trans or aren't queer. Or there's even less empathy between queer people who aren't trans to non-binary people and trans people.

 

This problem is also compounded by medical providers who fail to understand how to support trans patients through perimenopause, hormonal changes, or aging in general. And so again, it can feel overwhelming to date as you age when you're trans and non-binary. 

 

But I also want to remind us all what I talked about in episode seven. Oppression is real, but love and opportunity are also real. Queer and trans people have more self-knowledge, more clarity, more knowing exactly what you're looking for and not wasting time on people who don't see you.

 

This is where dating apps can also come in handy because you get age out in the open right away and you can vet if someone is transphobic or disrespectful before meeting in person. And I also recommend asking bold questions and making people show you that they are worthy of you. I know dating apps can be really annoying, but they are honestly a great GPS system to find single, like-minded people near you. And sometimes we just need to reframe them as that. Maybe I won't find my soulmate, but let me still use the Tinder GPS to find some cuties near me. 

 

If you're trans or non-binary and you're over 55 and you're nervous about dating, here's my advice to you. Don't shrink yourself. Go after what you want. Show up proudly as yourself and be direct. And also make sure that you support yourself by having amazing, loving friends around you so that you can always be lifted back up and reminded of your worth.

 

You are not late. You are right on time. And the fact that you exist means that your people exist too. The ones who can't wait to be your friend, the ones who can't wait to kiss you. And right now, someone is dreaming about falling in love with a person who is exactly like you.

 

Which brings me to the next big fear I see with my elder queer and trans people. What if you are a late bloomer? And to be clear, by late bloomer, I'm talking about anyone who came out of the closet later in life, whether with your gender or with your sexuality or both.

 

When this happens and you feel like a late bloomer, don't you also feel like the elephant in every room you are suddenly in? Being a late bloomer feels hard because you have an urgency to experience the life you've been denying yourself for so long and feel seen as you do it. But as you put yourself out there, you'll feel intimidated and vulnerable and out of step. And you might be carrying regret for the things you didn't do when you were younger: the people you didn't kiss, the boundaries you didn't set, and the pleasure you didn't even know how to ask for.

 

That regret is real, but this is not the end of your story. You get to flirt now. You get to date now. And you get to have your sexual awakening now. There is no deadline on becoming who you truly are, and anyone who tells you otherwise hasn't bloomed yet. I hope you look into the intergenerational meetups I mentioned a few minutes ago. Don't worry. We are going to link them all in the show notes.

 

The medicine to healing that intimidating late bloomer feeling is taking action. Put one foot in front of the other and just do step A. And maybe that looks like finding a pen pal through an online community who shares your fears and struggles, and you can open up to each other, you can hype each other up, and you can bravely then go on to step two, which is going to an event and meeting new people.

 

Remember, every day is a new opportunity. It's not too late. It never was. You can still meet new people. You can still fall in love. You can still have orgasmic sex. I have seen it.

 

Because here is what this all comes down to. Everyone, let me say that again, everyone, fears being undesirable. That as you age, you are no longer going to be seen or celebrated. This is a universal fear. No matter your gender or sexuality, it hits everybody.

 

But you are not invisible. You are not expired. And if you got out of bed today, then your life is definitely not over. You are still evolving. You are still discovering. You have new fantasies, new needs, new energy, new adventures waiting to unfold with every year that you age. And next week, we are going to be meeting someone who is living proof of this.

 

Susan Bratton is the sex expert to millions. She is thriving in her 60s. She is a mother, an award-winning sexologist, and a total baddie who is having the best sex of her life with her husband, her boyfriend, and the women she dates.

 

Susan is going to show you exactly how to age with erotic power, so you do not want to miss next week's episode. 

 

But that is it for this week's episode of Pleasure Science. So in the meantime, please come and say hi on Instagram and TikTok at Pleasure Science.

 

And if this episode taught you something new or made you feel hopeful, empowered, and a little sexier than you did before, please subscribe and leave a review. Now more than ever, it's important to support sex education. And I know you believe in the mission of this podcast, which is making sexual liberation your new normal in a world that profits off of shame.

 

So please take a moment to leave a rating or review or comment on YouTube. Speaking of YouTube, if you are watching right now, please leave a comment redefining the word old for yourself. I want us all to celebrate this and I want you to make someone smile today. And just a fun fact, I go live on Instagram all the time and I love reading your comments. So please leave a comment because I can't wait to read it and share your beautiful wisdom.

 

And finally, if this episode resonated with you, then the next step on your journey is voicing your desires. Talking about sex protects what you love most. And when you know how to ask for what you want and share boundaries without offending your lover, intimacy stops feeling like guesswork and it starts feeling natural.

 

Voice Your Desires is my guided video journey that shows you how to talk about sex so you can protect what you love most without any miscommunications.

 

Start voicing your desires right now by clicking the link in our show notes or by going to pleasurescience.com. And remember to use the code pleasuresciencepod at checkout to get 10%

 

Thank you for joining us this week. And before we go, just a quick reminder for you to go experience pleasure in the next 24 hours. Whether it's watching your favorite movie, calling your favorite person, or masturbating in the shower, go experience pleasure and I will see you next week. Bye.

 

This podcast is a Pleasure Science production, hosted by me, Nadège, your resident sex scholar. The Pleasure Science podcast is produced by Laura Moore and edited by Camille Furman-Collot.

 

Our music is by Octosound and is licensed under the Pixabay Content License. To find out more about pleasure science and to sign up for our online courses, please visit www.pleasurescience.com.

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