Welcome to Pleasure Science, a podcast dedicated to helping you feel healthier and empowered in your sexuality. Today, we are going to be talking about the heterosexual timeline, and I'm going to let you know the moment that I told my family that I'm gay.

 

So we're going to be doing a little bit of personal stories and some really fascinating scholarship on how and why relationships happen the way that they do and the reason why you might think that you're successful or a failure in your relationship. So no pressure, right? 

 

So my first question to you is, have you ever heard of the heterosexual timeline? This is a theory that was created by both feminist and queer scholars to describe the phenomenon and the milestones that we use to track our relationships and to basically gauge if we're being successful in love or if we're failing, which is just a really difficult thing to realize we put that kind of pressure on ourselves, on relationships, on our worth, and on the most beautiful things that we can have and share, which is sex and love. 

 

So I want to talk to you today about the escalator theory. Now, there's something called the relationship escalator when we look at psychology and feminist theory and even the history of relationships. Now, the relationship escalator basically refers to the default setting for love and relationships that we all have ingrained in our subconscious.

 

This basically means that as you date, there's a specific escalator you suddenly get on subconsciously. And when you're on the escalator, the first stop that you want to get off on is finding someone. Okay, cool. We found someone. Now let's get back on the relationship escalator with our new lover, and the next spot that we're going to get off at is moving in together. The next stop on the relationship escalator is getting married. After that, buying a house. After that, having kids. And then of course, you continue to ride this escalator all the way until the end of your life. And most importantly, you're teaching your kids how to get on that escalator themselves and ride all the way up to relationship success.

 

So the relationship escalator is really important scholarship to understand, because these subconscious milestones create visible markers that we use to gauge if we have a quote unquote successful relationship.

 

Now, the goal with this subconscious way of being in relation with each other is to achieve a lifetime of monogamy and marriage, which again, can be a beautiful thing. I personally had parents who were married for my entire life and I saw a beautiful representation of love and trust and monogamy. But I do think that it can be really harmful that all lovers are expected to remain together and hit all of these milestones on the relationship escalator. 

 

Now, I began this episode by asking you all a question: Have you ever heard of the heterosexual timeline? The heterosexual timeline was used to describe this relationship escalator because here is the thing. Queer people are not often invited onto the relationship escalator. And so a lot of queer theorists looked at the relationship escalator and realized, not only is this a relationship escalator that's trying to tell you how to pursue a successful, fulfilling, and healthy relationship, but this is a heterosexual timeline, because a part of this timeline is having children, and having children at a certain point when you're married. 

 

Now, if you're in a queer relationship, having children is going to look like a very different timeline. It can look like adoption. It can look like scientific medical procedures to get pregnant, right? There's just different ways of being in a relationship when you're queer. And that makes it very obvious that the relationship escalator isn't just a subconscious way that humans are taught to be in relationships, but it's very, very specific to heterosexuality. And what's really important about naming the heterosexual timeline, naming the relationship escalator, is that these markers for a successful relationship, a reason why we think they're so important, is because we believe that it marks success, true love, true commitment, and even a healthy relationship.

 

But in actuality, the relationship escalator has nothing to do with your health, your desires, your lifestyle, your needs, or your preferences. And when you exist in a dominant culture, and again, like I've mentioned in previous episodes where we go over the history of sexuality and the creation of monogamy, we see that in a dominant culture, you don't often realize that you're operating within a system that you did not choose. 

 

So what's so fascinating about the heterosexual timeline, as I mentioned, is queer people are completely excluded from this timeline. I even remember, and I'm going to be going into my coming out story because it all circles back, but I remember after I came out as gay, both of my parents asked, well, are you still going to have kids? You know, like, What does it mean? If you aren't going to be on the relationship escalator, then where are you going? Are you on a staircase? Are you on an elevator? Are you in the garden? Can we find you? What's happening?

 

And so what's really fascinating when we look at queer culture and queer relationships is there's this combination of something called social pain, which is the pain of being excluded from a cultural norm or a cultural group. It can actually cause physical pain in your body to be socially excluded. 

 

But then what also happens is this incredible liberation. If you're kicked off the relationship escalator, guess what you can do now? For the first time in your life, you can actively choose and design a relationship based on your actual needs, your actual desires, your authentic curiosities, and your lifestyle. Because while monogamy and marriage can be so beautiful, so can polyamory. So can ethical non-monogamy. And so can being a single, slutty, cute human. So can being asexual or aromantic. There is no right way to be in relation with other people. The only wrong way is the way that makes you not feel seen, right? Relationships are our most beautiful teachers. They can lift us up or they can make us feel like a trapped bird in a cage.

 

So let's talk a little bit about my coming out story. Because if you've been listening to this podcast, you know that my first relationship was a polyamorous one. Now, fast forwarding even before I met my partner at that time, I was… I think I was 18 or 19 years old. The first person I had true, true feelings for was my best friend in high school. She was another girl. I was obsessed with her, dreamed about her, loved her. She was a senior and I was a sophomore, which was also super hot because older women are so sexy and mommies are sexy, but that's going to be another episode, y'all. 

 

But basically, I realized when I was about 15 or 16 that I was different. I was falling in love with my best friend in high school. She knew because it was hard for me not to hide just how much I adored her. But it also created a lot of anxiety. It gave me a lot of fear. Something I've talked about in this podcast is how I went to a Catholic high school growing up, and also was raised in a pretty conservative Jewish, like my grandmother survived the Holocaust, being Jewish was extremely important to my mother's side of the family. 

 

So realizing that I was really attracted to my best friend and that that was really not the way things were supposed to be going. It was difficult. But luckily, I also had extremely loving parents. So fast forward to the age of 19 or 20, I've realized that I like women for quite a few years now. And I also realized that this was something that was important for me to tell my family. And I also realized I don't know how I want to tell my family. 

 

So that brings us to a beautiful Thanksgiving night. We're having a Thanksgiving dinner. My mom and my dad are sitting across from me. My sister is at the table as well. And my sister is one of my best friends in the world. Shout out to you. You're amazing. And right next to me was my mom's best friend. Now, my mom growing up had a best friend named Cy. Shout out to you as well. Cy is a fabulous gay man. He self-identifies as the biggest queen in Los Angeles. And he was there at this Thanksgiving dinner, as well as another family friend of ours, all right? And that other family friend, I'm going to call Anne, just because I haven't asked her permission to say her name on this podcast. I'm sure she wouldn't mind, but still. 

 

So we have my mom, my dad, my sister, fabulous Cy, and Anne, and we're all sitting at the table. But what's really important about this story is that Cy was sitting right next to me. And so, Cy, like myself, is a writer. He's someone who was kind of a mentor to me my entire life. And I had recently written at university an essay about Shakespeare and how I believe that Shakespeare is a gay man. And Cy, being a gay man, is very, very interested in this paper. 

 

So we're sitting at Thanksgiving and Cy is asking me all these questions about Shakespeare and my research and him being gay. And it starts to hit me. I think this is a good time to share that I'm gay.

 

And I'm sitting here, I'm looking at my family. And again, everyone at this table, including Anne, these are all people who have seen me grow up since I was a child. I couldn't have asked to be around a more loving community of people. But it was also very scary, because as much as your family loves you, and even though we had a gay man right next to me, you never know how people are going to react. And you never know what people really think about someone who's marginalized until you're face to face with that person or that reality, right? 

 

Anyway, all that to say, I just decided to blurt it out. Cy is in the middle of asking me questions and I just decide to say, you know what? The reason why I wrote this paper is because I'm gay. And then there was just silence at the table.

 

My dad kind of looked at me like, what? He didn't really know what to think. I think for him, it just came completely out of left field, because while I was attracted to women, I'm also attracted to men. And let me tell you, when I was younger, I mean, I probably still am, but quite the boy crazy individual, all right? If I saw a cutie, I wanted to know that cutie.

 

So when I came out with this information, my dad sitting across from me kind of looked at me like, what? And my mom, she actually already knew. Again, I had this crush on my best friend in high school. And when I said something, my dad first was like, what are you, are you sure? What are you talking about? My mom rested her hand on his hand and looked at me and was like, it's OK. I knew. 

 

And then she even said, you had a crush on that girl in high school, didn't you? And I was like, oh my God, I did. I can't believe that you saw. And that was a really beautiful moment. And then my sister was like, bitch, why didn't you tell me before you told mom and dad? Why are you telling me at this table? I'm your sister. I should have known first. 

 

So it was… it was a really funny, scary, it was a positive experience, which not all coming out stories are, but I think it's important to share the positive stories, because we also hear a lot of valuable, real, valid stories of pain and rejection, and a lot of homelessness in the queer community, because a lot of people, whether they're trans, non-binary, or queer, get kicked out of their homes when they share their authentic selves, and that's really sad. 

 

But in this situation, well, my dad was a little confused and it took him a little bit of time, although I will say, my dad is now my number one supporter in everything that I do. He comes to all of my events. If you ever come to a Pleasure Science event, you'll probably meet him because he'll be at the registration counter or running around to make sure the lighting is good. I honestly couldn't have asked for a more supportive family.

 

But the reason, the real reason why I was able to come out that day was because Cy was sitting right next to me. And after everyone had their reaction, Cy turns to me and he's like, how are you feeling? Are you okay? And I was like, yeah, I'm doing great. And then I start talking about how the way I realized I was gay was because I had been going to this club in Los Angeles called the Abbey. And the Abbey is a really, really famous destination for gay people. It's also very fun. If you're in LA, definitely check it out.

 

Now, all of this kerfluffle has been happening. And don't forget, we still have Anne at the table, right? The only thing that Anne heard from this whole mess of me coming out of the closet is that I have been frequently going to the Abbey. So we have this whole experience. Dinner continues. And then as we're almost at the end of dinner, Anne turns to me and she's like, you know, Nadège, I'm just so surprised. I didn't realize that you would ever become very religious. And I was like, what? What are you talking about? And she was like, well, it's great that you're going to this Abbey. I'm happy to go with it. Of course, I'll always support you. 

 

So basically, Anne was sitting at the end of the table. I came out of the closet, and the only thing that Anne heard is that I'm going to the abbey. So Anne thinks that I've just become devoutly religious. And I'm just like, no. I mean, that's beautiful. But that is not what I was trying to say.

 

And that was my coming out story. And so it was so funny because at the end of the dinner, you know, I had already come out maybe 30 minutes before. And then Anne is trying to support me on this new, you know, religious experience that she believes me to be having. And I'm like, listen, the only religious experience is pussy. That's that's what we're... I didn't actually say that to Anne because that would be, that would be… but if you know me I'm a bit of a TMI queen, but what I actually said to Anne was no, I came out of the closet, I'm gay, and of course Cy is sitting right next to me so he hears this whole thing go down and he's just like, I'm gonna let Nadège do her thing, I'm not gonna say anything, but he could not stop laughing, and so finally at the end of dinner Cy explained to, you know, our friend Anne, the Abbey is a place where gay people go to be gay. And it's kind of tongue in cheek because, again, a lot of us are rejected from religion, society, our families, the relationship escalator. But you know what? At least we got the Abbey.

 

And so, you know, I share all of this to say, like, after I came out of the closet, my parents were really wonderful and they were very supportive. In fact, my mom actually started volunteering at the LGBT Center one week later, which was so beautiful. But they also had a lot of questions like, so are you still going to get married? Are you going to have kids? What is your life going to look like?

 

And it was so funny because them asking me those questions gave me this opportunity to ask myself these questions. And I just want to know to anyone listening, have you ever asked yourself these questions? What do you really want? What were you taught to want? Do you want more? Think about that. It's really, really important. And how has the dominant culture told you that sex should be a certain way or relationships should be a certain way? Are you having the sex that you want? Are you in or building the relationship that you want? Can these things look different for you? And do you want to explore that?

 

If you do, I think that's a beautiful thing. And if you're happy in the relationship you have now, that's amazing too. There's no right or wrong way. Like I said before, relationships are places where we experience love, where we are seen, where we have connection, and where we have pleasure. Build a relationship that is the relationship you want to experience, or change it. You can change at any time.

 

That's it for this week's episode of Pleasure Science. Please join us next week for our conversation with Lucie Fielding, author and activist who wrote the first book on trans sex for physicians and therapists. I'm so excited for you to listen to this episode because we're going to be going into so many cool sex tips for queer and straight people and trans people. You're going to learn a lot of sexy things.

 

In the meantime, you can follow me on Instagram and TikTok at PleasureScience. And please remember to subscribe to this podcast wherever you listen, leave a rating, leave a review. It seriously helps. And it doesn't just help this podcast get the word out. That's important. But honestly, what's more important to me is the entire movement of sex positivity, body positivity, and just love. And when you subscribe and rate this podcast, you are showing community and the globe that we care about this information and we find it valuable. 

 

And of course, please watch this episode on the Pleasure Science YouTube, if you would like. I wore a cute little French scarf today. And I just think it's also so fun to be able to see and feel. You'll get to see me in my office, a little behind the scenes. What does it look like to be a sex scholar, you know? Super fun. 

 

And you can also check out the Pleasure Science courses at pleasurescience.com. By listening to this podcast, you get 10% off of any of our courses using the code pleasuresciencepod. And I'm so proud of these courses. Our students really love them. You'll learn my signature framework that teaches you how to trust, love, and learn sex using your natural strengths. So again, today we talked about the relationship escalator. If you feel like you're on that escalator and you want to get off, check out the Pleasure Science courses because I literally teach you how to structure your love life around the things you genuinely love. 

 

Thank you for joining us this week. And before you go, a quick reminder for you to experience pleasure in the next 24 hours. Are you craving a yummy food but you feel like, oh, I shouldn't eat that? Forget it. Eat the food. Do you want a hug? Go ask for it. Do you want to get a dog? Do it. Give yourself permission in the next 24 hours to experience genuine and pure pleasure. You are worthy and you deserve it. I'll see you in the next episode.

 

This podcast is a Pleasure Science production hosted by me, Nadège, your resident sex scholar. The Pleasure Science podcast is produced by Laura Moore and edited by Camille Furman-Cullot. Our music is by Octosound and is licensed under the Pixabay content license.

 

To find out more about Pleasure Science and to sign up for our online courses, please visit www.pleasurescience.com.